Submitting the first 250 words of my completed manuscript to the Show Me The Voice Blogest/Contest
I can either submit as-is, or take comments from fellow bloggers and revise before I submit final version. Any opinions?
Name: Christina Mercer
Title: Arrow of the Mist
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy (traditional)
Chapter 1
A pair of horses charged toward Lia’s cottage. She recognized Da’s friend, Kenneth, Then her insides went cold. Beside him, Da's body lay limp upon his horse.
Lia dropped the harvested mallow root and sped from her garden. Ma’s scream shot like arrows through her heart, but Kenneth’s words, “He’s alive, Carin,” offered her a measure of hope.
Kenneth carried Da into the cottage, and Lia caught a glimpse of his torn and bloodied clothing. “I’ll fetch Granda,” she cried, and hurried to her horse.
Why hadn’t the dreams forewarned her? They presaged when the mares or ewes would give birth, or when visitors were coming from afar, but her fate-dreams had failed to give a timely warning for Da.
Clad in her usual boy’s breeches and high leather boots, Lia raced her horse down the path with her heart pounding in rhythm to the hoof beats.
Stay strong, Da! Just a little longer, and Granda will be there to heal you.
She blazed across waves of shamrock green hills dotted with the ancient quartz towers unique to Rockberg. She turned down the main road and rushed into the heart of the village. A few villagers lifted curious eyes, but many only cast annoyed glances her way.
She jumped off her horse and bolted into the makeshift store where she found her Granda Luis at the counter cutting a bundle of willow-weed. “Come quick, it’s Da!”
Granda’s eyes widened upon her, and he reached for his walking staff. “What’s happened, child?”
I really liked the imagery you've given us and I am rooting for Da.
ReplyDeleteThere was one little thing that niggled at me which was a slight POV switch or either I didn't read it right:
Ma’s scream shot like arrows through her heart, but Kenneth’s words, “He’s alive, Carin,” offered her a measure of hope.
Is the 'offered her a measure of hope" referring to how Kenneth's words affected Ma or Lia? If Ma, then there is a slight POV switch as Lia wouldn't know if the words offered Ma hope. If the sentence refers to Lia having hope, then there is no POV switch, but maybe it should be on a separate line.
Otherwise, I think this is great and I'm interested to know what happened to Da.
Oh, one more thing. In the beginning paragraph, you said: "Beside him, lay Da's body..." At first I was trying to picture how a body could lie beside someone on a horse. I had to read that over again. Maybe if you said something like "on the horse beside Kenneth...", that way, there is no confusion. Then again, maybe it's just me. :-)
Great stuff.
You must have signed up late! I think I've mentioned that I'm not a fan of "presaged", but I still think it works fine without that word. The "forewarned" and "fate-dreams" have it covered.
ReplyDeleteDid you submit anything to Pitch University?
Christina, I enjoyed reading this passage. I was a bit confused(agreeing with Jenny) but I could get into the story.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Writing with Debra and your feedback. Dry flies are cicada's in Appalachian terms.
Oooh, so many great comments! Thank You so much for the keen advice ;-))
ReplyDeleteAngelica: Yes, I posted this late (just saw it on your blog earlier today)And I did submit queries for both the completed manuscript and my WIP to Pitch U. :-D
Great piece. I agree with the comments above, and also wanted to point out a typo:
ReplyDeleteThere's a comma and then a capitalized word after it: ... Kenneth, Then ...
A pair of horses charged toward Lia’s cottage. She recognized Da’s friend, Kenneth, Then her insides went cold. Beside him, Da's body lay limp upon his horse.
Interesting and fun. =D
ReplyDeleteLet me start with , I loved the opening! It really drew me in. That being said, I have heard that agents shy away from dialogue so early on but I'm sure if it grabs them as it did me it wouldn't matter.
ReplyDeleteThe only other thing I have to mention is that there seems to be some puntuation and quotations missing. Good luck on the contest!